THIS! is SECRETLY HEEL!
Where I pretend to be your Internet Wrestling friend before hitting you on the back with the title belt and you are knocked out for a good 5 minutes.
Now I know it might seem like I fell asleep at the wheel since Mania, but don't worry... I DID.
Paul Heyman unveiled the new PAUL HEYMAN GUY... Curtis Axel. Wow that name sucks!
Curtis Axel used to wrestle as Macgilla Gorilla (I am 80% sure that was his name, comment if I'm wrong.) in a tag team with Otunga before either one of them knew how to wrestle or exist.
It remains to be seen however, if Curtis will be as successful as Punk or Lesnar...
Curtis Axel got himself a match with TRIPLE H, which Triple H lost as a result of countout when he collapsed outside the ring.
Master Sweez insists that Triple H was being influenced by Babidi's sorcery to turn MAJIN. I don't see any reason that isn't true.
|IM A WARRIOR, KAKAROT!|
I am by no means a detractor of Triple (we are on a first name basis) but I cannot imagine a point to this story line. Is he going to wrestle Lesnar again again again but this time overcoming the odds of severe indigestion? I don't get where this is going. Maybe Sweez was right and his brain just GOT HOT.
MONDAY NIGHT RAW 5/27!
To explain how Curtis Axel got his second victory in a row, this time against Cena, I guess I have to speak about Cena and Ryback.
Basically over the last few weeks, Ryback turned heel cause Cena was mean and didn't help Ryback out when he got beaten up by the Shield. Shield forgot about Vince's BE A STAR campaign and they were totally bullying Ryback. Maybe cause he can't wrestle, maybe cause his name is Skip. The possibilities are endless.
What kind of name is Skip?
I'm a cyber bully over here.
So Ryback was all like
And then he turned on CENA, challenging him to an Ambulance match. Fast forward, Cena is distracted by the ambulance long enough for Curtis Axel to get another countout victory.
In true heel fashion, Axel took credit for both of those countout victories a few days later on Smackdown! He's off to a good start but he JUST forgot to realize that Curtis Axel is a stupid name. Why didnt they just call this guy PERFECT JUNIOR?! That's a name I can respect... THE Perfect Junior.
In other Heyman guys developments, Jericho had Paul on THE HIGHLIGHT REEL and he called out CM PUNK to continue their flaccid half-assed feud from the Wrestlemania before last. You know the one... where they were going to strip CM PUNK of the title for drinking even though Steve Austin used to drink beer on camera... in the middle of the ring... after title matches.
ALSO! Hating Canada has always been in style, but Vince McMahon does it with extra almost cokehead-like fervor.
Natalya Neidhart, who is mostly relegated to escorting Great Khali and Hornswoggle to the ring in a gaggle celebrated her birthday this monday by losing in her hometown. They should have taken one step further and put her through the spanish announce table while calling her mother a whore.
It was also BRET HART APPRECIATION NIGHT!
AFTER Monday Night RAW went off the air!
Bret Hart is one of the GREATEST OF ALL TIME and they could not spare 5 minutes at the end of the show to at least START Bret Hart appreciation on TV. If Vince didn't care about appearances, he would have celebrated Bret Hart appreciation by shipping Bret to the northern parts of Canada where there's nothing but ice and Inuits fucking penguins in the ass.
Smackdown! actually had an interesting dynamic with the magnificent Seth Rollins wrestling Kane and the dazzling Daniel Bryan wrestling Roman Reigns. So you had the skilled workhorse of each team carrying the big idiot that breaks things of the opposite team to a solid singles match.
I'm just kidding Kane... but your mask looks like raw meat my man, take your ass back to the create-a-wrestler menu.
Kane managed to beat Rollins with some interference from D.Bry, and D.Bry lost his match with Reigns by DQ leading to further friction with Kane as Bryan is determined to prove he is not the weak link.
It all just worked.
OTHER POINTS OF INTEREST:
1. Kofi Kingston jobbed to Ambrose on RAW and then he jobbed to Ryback on Smackdown! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Kofi Trouble in Paradise kick to his own head and into the bushes.
2. Big E Langston wrestled Del Rio but I can't remember much about it except my girlfriend mentioning that one of Big E's tits is bigger than her entire torso. AJ helped him win that match by... grabbing Del Rio's face I guess?
3. Payback is supposed to be where Orton turns heel! Cause he's on the promotional poster? I guess that... doesn't make sense.
4. HBK made a bearded back-stage appearance on RAW this week, all I remember is that the Canadian crowd chanted YOU SCREWED BRET! at a pre-recorded video. Oh Canada.
5. Perfect Junior made a good show with his mic time on Smackdown and finishing his match with his father's Perfectplex.
LASTLY! DANIEL BRYAN is Incredible!
There has been no one more popular with a crowd since Hitler.
|Certainly Daniel Bryan is a better in-ring performer. |
Hitler is more of an old-school wrestler.
Yet again the entire crowd was hanging on his every YES! They were all chanting right along with him.
The man needs to get top billing ASAP! WWE has a lot of heels but no faces that a mass audience is getting behind. It's time to turn Kane on Bryan, and push Bryan to Dazzling heights. He looks like a crazy prospector but that won't hold him back.
That's all for now!
D.Chaplow is a grown hairy man that writes a weekly column for TEEN GIRL MONTHLY! It's like a goddamn baboon trying to comprehend the intricacies of teen magazine B.S. ... Just try and picture that for a second. You can't really and that's because baboons have no goddamn business writing columns for any sort of magazine nevermind some TEEN GIRL MONTHLY zine. What kind of editor let's that kinda thing go on, a Baboon can kill a teen girl with its FEET.
Anyway, please support my indie game studio LONELY MISSILE on Facebook, Twitter and even on Instagram! Watch out for our upcoming first game, FLAPPIN NUTZ! now on Steam Greenlight. Thank you good night!