WWE : 5/27 RAW and 5/31 Smackdown!

THIS! is D.CHAPLOW
and
THIS! is SECRETLY HEEL!

Where I pretend to be your Internet Wrestling friend before hitting you on the back with the title belt and you are knocked out for a good 5 minutes.

Now I know it might seem like I fell asleep at the wheel since Mania, but don't worry... I DID.

LAST WEEK

Paul Heyman unveiled the new PAUL HEYMAN GUY... Curtis Axel. Wow that name sucks!
Curtis Axel used to wrestle as Macgilla Gorilla (I am 80% sure that was his name, comment if I'm wrong.) in a tag team with Otunga before either one of them knew how to wrestle or exist.
It remains to be seen however, if Curtis will be as successful as Punk or Lesnar...

Curtis Axel got himself a match with TRIPLE H, which Triple H lost as a result of countout when he collapsed outside the ring.

Master Sweez insists that Triple H was being influenced by Babidi's sorcery to turn MAJIN. I don't see any reason that isn't true.

IM A WARRIOR, KAKAROT!

I am by no means a detractor of Triple (we are on a first name basis) but I cannot imagine a point to this story line. Is he going to wrestle Lesnar again again again but this time overcoming the odds of severe indigestion? I don't get where this is going. Maybe Sweez was right and his brain just GOT HOT.

THIS WEEK!

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 5/27!

To explain how Curtis Axel got his second victory in a row, this time against Cena, I guess I have to speak about Cena and Ryback.

F.M.L.

Basically over the last few weeks, Ryback turned heel cause Cena was mean and didn't help Ryback out when he got beaten up by the Shield. Shield forgot about Vince's BE A STAR campaign and they were totally bullying Ryback. Maybe cause he can't wrestle, maybe cause his name is Skip. The possibilities are endless.

What kind of name is Skip?

I'm a cyber bully over here.

So Ryback was all like

And then he turned on CENA, challenging him to an Ambulance match. Fast forward, Cena is distracted by the ambulance long enough for Curtis Axel to get another countout victory.

In true heel fashion, Axel took credit for both of those countout victories a few days later on Smackdown! He's off to a good start but he JUST forgot to realize that Curtis Axel is a stupid name.  Why didnt they just call this guy PERFECT JUNIOR?! That's a name I can respect... THE Perfect Junior.

PERFECT.

In other Heyman guys developments, Jericho had Paul on THE HIGHLIGHT REEL and he called out CM PUNK to continue their flaccid half-assed feud from the Wrestlemania before last. You know the one... where they were going to strip CM PUNK of the title for drinking even though Steve Austin used to drink beer on camera... in the middle of the ring... after title matches.

GENIUS!

ALSO! Hating Canada has always been in style, but Vince McMahon does it with extra almost cokehead-like fervor.

Natalya Neidhart, who is mostly relegated to escorting Great Khali and Hornswoggle to the ring in a gaggle celebrated her birthday this monday by losing in her hometown. They should have taken one step further and put her through the spanish announce table while calling her mother a whore.

It was also BRET HART APPRECIATION NIGHT!
AFTER Monday Night RAW went off the air!

Bret Hart is one of the GREATEST OF ALL TIME and they could not spare 5 minutes at the end of the show to at least START Bret Hart appreciation on TV. If Vince didn't care about appearances, he would have celebrated Bret Hart appreciation by shipping Bret to the northern parts of Canada where there's nothing but ice and Inuits fucking penguins in the ass.

SMACKDOWN!

Smackdown! actually had an interesting dynamic with the magnificent Seth Rollins wrestling Kane and the dazzling Daniel Bryan wrestling Roman Reigns. So you had the skilled workhorse of each team carrying the big idiot that breaks things of the opposite team to a solid singles match.

I'm just kidding Kane... but your mask looks like raw meat my man, take your ass back to the create-a-wrestler menu.

Kane managed to beat Rollins with some interference from D.Bry, and D.Bry lost his match with Reigns by DQ leading to further friction with Kane as Bryan is determined to prove he is not the weak link.

It all just worked.

OTHER POINTS OF INTEREST:

1. Kofi Kingston jobbed to Ambrose on RAW and then he jobbed to Ryback on Smackdown! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Kofi Trouble in Paradise kick to his own head and into the bushes.

2. Big E Langston wrestled Del Rio but I can't remember much about it except my girlfriend mentioning that one of Big E's tits is bigger than her entire torso. AJ helped him win that match by... grabbing Del Rio's face I guess?

3. Payback is supposed to be where Orton turns heel! Cause he's on the promotional poster? I guess that... doesn't make sense.

4. HBK made a bearded back-stage appearance on RAW this week, all I remember is that the Canadian crowd chanted YOU SCREWED BRET! at a pre-recorded video. Oh Canada.

5. Perfect Junior made a good show with his mic time on Smackdown and finishing his match with his father's Perfectplex.

LASTLY! DANIEL BRYAN is Incredible!
There has been no one more popular with a crowd since Hitler.

Certainly Daniel Bryan is a better in-ring performer.
Hitler is more of an old-school wrestler.

Yet again the entire crowd was hanging on his every YES! They were all chanting right along with him.
The man needs to get top billing ASAP! WWE has a lot of heels but no faces that a mass audience is getting behind. It's time to turn Kane on Bryan, and push Bryan to Dazzling heights. He looks like a crazy prospector but that won't hold him back.

That's all for now!

Love,
D.Chaplow

---

D.Chaplow is a grown hairy man that writes a weekly column for TEEN GIRL MONTHLY! It's like a goddamn baboon trying to comprehend the intricacies of teen magazine B.S. ... Just try and picture that for a second. You can't really and that's because baboons have no goddamn business writing columns for any sort of magazine nevermind some TEEN GIRL MONTHLY zine. What kind of editor let's that kinda thing go on, a Baboon can kill a teen girl with its FEET.
Anyway, please support my indie game studio LONELY MISSILE on Facebook, Twitter and even on Instagram! Watch out for our upcoming first game, FLAPPIN NUTZ! now on Steam Greenlight. Thank you good night!

WRESTLEMANIA AFTERMATH 2013

Hello! This! is D.Chaplow!

and This! is SECRETLY HEEL

Where I take you in depth as only I can and give you a behind-the-scenes look at my opinions.

AND THIS IS A SECRETLY HEEL RECAP of

Just when you wanted it! Months after it happened!

Anyway it's taken me a lot of time to get to this because of all the consequences of this shit, highlight the black bar for spoilers:

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED.

This is the only occurrence that didn't put everyone to sleep:

"I changed my mind Punk. I GOTTA GO OVER!"

Aside from that, the IC and US belts weren't even contested on the air. I don't even remember if the Tag Belts were.... It's almost as if...

Why.... nah it couldn't be..

It's almost as if the IC and US belts don't even matter!

I'm sorry Mr.President... I tried my best.

WWE should pat themselves on the back for building a WRESTLEMANIA that had 0 impact on anything going forward. It's like getting on a train at the last minute and as it's about to leave the station it just tips over and nobody even cares.

Nothing of consequence happened.

So John Cena and Triple H could win again? Well they did.

The only place I'll give credit is with CM Punk, because having lost to Taker he gave half a speech where he seemed to doubt himself and now he has not been seen on RAW for weeks. He's outdoing half the roster by not saying anything and then not showing up.

Lesnar vs HHH 2 was definitely better than Rock vs Cena 2 but that's not saying much for a match that everyone knew the result to 1 year in advance.

It's like if you went in to watch Harry Potter and the Knickers of Illusion or w.e the last sequel was ALREADY KNOWING that Snape kills Dumbledore, only to see Snape lose to John Cena.

Even in CM Punk, it would have been something if they had actually had him break the streak. Undertaker would have still been 20-0 before that, and CM Punk could have had something new about him.

So when you look at what Mania did, it set the entire WWE on a course of running in place. And running in place they are, almost 2 months later. There are no big over-arching plots developing. Everyone is just on a treadmill, trying to get over. But guess what folks? We're only getting flabbier.

Ok.
I'll cover what actually is happening in upcoming posts.

STAY TUNED! I will be writing a weekly post about the weekly highlights for WWE as well as what Lucha, Puroresu and TNA I get a chance to watch.

This week's SECRETLY HEEL IMAGE OF THE WEEK is from the Internet Wrestling Community FACEBOOK PAGE. The only explanation I can think of is that Aladdin convinced CM Punk to wish to the powers of the urn to make him an almight genie and now even though he's giant and all powerful, Undertaker is trying to seal him in the urn.

IN THE SHADOWS HIS LOWER BODY IS STILL REGULAR SIZE!

Love,
Chaplow

---

Danny Chaplow is known as El Cocodrilo because he is an author that was born with the head of a Crocodile. That didn't stop him from getting a degree from the neighborhood community college in Journalism and Athletic Sciences. But it also didn't stop him from biting Gazelles and dragging them into the waterhole.
Please follow Danny Chaplow's indie video game studio Lonely Missile on Facebook and Twitter and stay tuned for their first game, FLAPPIN NUTZ! on Steam Greenlight and XBOX Live Indie Arcade.

"THE" MAIN EVENT 4/17/2013

I've been without internet so you might experience a slight delay in my hard-hitting shoot-style coverage of WRESTLEMANIA. I did finally get satellite internet, it's not too bad and of course this means that my blogposts will be shot into your eyeballs from space... I'd like to imagine very violently.

I! Am D.Chaplow aka El Cocodrilo from Lonely Missile.
This! is Secretly Heel!
And today we are taking a look at

THIS ISN'T THE LOGO FOR THIS SHOW!

Today's MAIN EVENT is a Battle Royale for a chance at Wade Barry's Intercontinental Championship. The mysterious nameless wrestlers in the ring appear to be ready. Oh I recognize you guys! You're USOS and Alex Riley and that one dude from South Africa.... Imma say Nelson Mandela.

The ONLY dude from there.

Wade came out to deliver a promo at the contestants, but he was interrupted by HornSWAGgle and NATALYA NEIDHART! Natalya is related to the legendary HART FAMILY so that's why she has to escort a Leprechaun and a Giant Indian wearing Parachute pants down to the ring.

The Battle Royale was the legal minimum amount of entertainment.
And the South African wins.
Friends! It turns that it was Justin Gabriel... not Nelson Mandela.

JUSTIN GABRIEL IS THE SHIT THO!

He won the Battle Royale by doing a 450 Splash to the outside of the ring, literally killing both spanish announcers.

PEER INTO THE EYES OF PERDITION, Know your fate is sealed.
THE WHISPERS OF ARMAGEDDON GENTLY LULL YOUR SOUL TO A HOLLOW END.

Nah, I was just performing a WORKED-SHOOT on you guys. Look it up marks.
In reality Justin Gabriel just beat that one Scottish dude from 3MB with a headscissors over the rope then threw Primo out of the ring (hopefully into the second or third row) and just like that he is the no.1 contender for the Icy Championship.

Here's the funny part. That championship match would also take place.... tonight!

In the interim we see recap of what happened on RAW... the only important thing that happened on RAW is Brock Lesnar murdering Heath Slater. Which they didn't show but look it up friends, it's like seeing a mighty pegasus majestically descend from the clouds and kick a ginger to death.

Justin Gabriel's current haircut and beard combination makes him look like a public access version of The Greatest Story Ever Told where their main choice for Jesus Christ got injured and their second choice is wearing boots with wings on them... and they just go with it.

Wade Barrett just looks like a damn goon.

Justin Gabriel actually captures the crowd's hearts and imagination and hits a flawless top-rope springboard moonsault. But then Wade wins with an elbow strike.

Good night guys.

---

Danny Chaplow is an author and PROFESSIONAL wrestling analyst living in Little Cheeseburger, Missouri. He enjoys nodding at people as if he feels them and crying at the end of E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial. Have you seen it lately you guys? Elliot is like I LOVE YOU E.T. Damn I'm gonna cry again. Ok anyway follow Lonely Missile on Facebook, Twitter and even Instagram! Be on the lookout for our first game hitting XBLA soon FLAPPIN NUTZ! Check us out on Steam Greenlight. Love, DChaplow.

Pre-PerView : WRESTLEMANIA XXIX

DINGDINGDING!
This! Is Secretly Heel! and
This! Is a special PRE-WRESTLEMANIA 29 EDITION issue.

My name is D.Chaplow aka El Cocodrilo representing Lonely Missile.

Like a flimsy and wet cardboard box filled to the brim with very heavy hams, I will try to collect everything regarding this Wrestlemania in one place and make it all the way up to your apartment without falling apart.

Let's take a look at the card for mania and play a good-old fashioned game of WHAT WOULD BE COOL vs WHAT'S ACTUALLY GONNA HAPPEN! Where I give you up to two... maybe even three or four dimensions of predictions for a staged competition that some people already know the results of.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP : THE ROCK (C) vs JOHN CENA

ONCE IN A LIFETIME... AGAIN. 

Jean Cener's character refusing to turn heel while being an asshole on-screen is exemplary of the strange and confusing era that WWE exists in right now. The Rock would be the good guy here but he's not around much to fill that role. Now we finally get to watch the most anticipated rematch that nobody asked for and even less people wanted.

♫WHAT WOULD BE COOL: 
Is if this match never happened! But if I had to come up with a cool outcome for this match... I'd say that it would be awesome if when The Rock or whoever had the idea to stretch out this feud over the course of three Wrestlemanias, he would have instead just gotten back in bed and smothered himself with his own pillow. It's not an easy feat, but think of THE RATINGS.

I know when Vince heard of the idea he was like FUCK ME I NEED THREE HOUR RAWS AND I NEED CENA AND ROCK TO HEADLINE THREE WRRRRESTLEMANIAS. And then he probably pushed his butler down the stairs, killing him IMMEDIATELY. I NEED TO KILL TWO MORE BUTLERS TO FULFILL MY DARK PROPHECY, GET OVER HERE OR YOU'RRRRE FIRED.

☻WHAT'S ACTUALLY GONNA HAPPEN:
Rock is gonna win again and Cena is gonna start crying openly and turn full heel.

Full heel? Cena would never go full heel.

Either that or Cena is gonna get his win back and be 11 time champion all the way until one of the major PPV's where he'll get cheated out of it by heel Randy Orton or something. ARE YOU NOT EXCITED? DANCE AND BE MERRY YOU SAD, PATHETIC BOY.

TRIPLE H vs BROCK LESNAR

THE OTHER REMATCH w/ TRIPS' CAREER ON THE LINE 

I AM THE GAME AND YOU DONT WANNA PLAY ME!

Triple H's career is on the line after he had already retired!

♫WHAT WOULD BE COOL: 

CM Punk interferes in his fellow Heymanite's match, costing Triple H his precious career!
But hey! Triple H didnt read the fine print of that contract he signed. Paul Heyman becomes the new Chief Royal Magister or w.e Triple H's corporate title was. He strips all the champions of their titles and awards them to Brock Lesnar and CM Punk (including the tag belts, this leads to an eventual Punk turn and match against Brock). He's eventually brought down by the Board but we have some fun moments before then; with Heyman running RAW and terrorizing the roster w/ Brock, Punk and the mercenary SHIELD.

☻WHAT'S ACTUALLY GONNA HAPPEN:
Triple H is gonna kick out of the F-5 twice and beat Brock Lesnar.

CM PUNK vs THE UNDERTAKER

THE ONE vs THE STREAK

Yet again, it's safe to say that for any real pro-wrestling fan the true main-event will be Undertaker's streak match. CM God's mic work has elevated this match above its already established main-event status, and this is the main reason I will be watching Wrestlemania 29 tonight.

♫WHAT WOULD BE COOL: 

CM Punk survives the livid Undertaker's onslaught (including the part where Undertaker gets really big and Punk has to attack his arm or his head to beat the game).

KEEP ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN

CM Punk and The Undertaker destroy each other in a 25-min long war, in the end Punk gets the upper hand. Undertaker is able to tombstone CM Punk one last time, but he collapses right after from the brutality of the match. Punk collapses on top of Undertaker, completely bloodied and with a kayfabe broken arm or leg. As Punk goes to pin Taker, Kane interferes to avenge Paul Bearer and saves Taker from the loss. Brock Lesnar and Heyman interfere on behalf of CM Punk. As Brock and Kane brawl outside the ring, the referee counts the downed Punk and Undertaker out. It is officially a NO CONTEST but the winning streak is broken.

☻WHAT'S ACTUALLY GONNA HAPPEN:
Punk is going to go above and beyond his means to hurt The Undertaker, but the Undertaker is going to win.

HEY

OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALSO WRESTLING! 

SIERRA
HOTEL
INDIA
ECHO
LIMA
DELTA
BANANA
SHIELD will be in action against Sheamus, Big Show and Randy Orton.

♫ Rumor has it that Randy Orton is gonna turn heel soon and this would be the perfect opportunity... to betray two guys that had no reason to trust him at all in the first place. Who knows, maybe he can join the SHIELD. The most interesting thing they've had Randy doing lately is that hilarious match he has against Otunga LAST Christmas when some of these A.D.D. riddled fat John Cena fruity pebbles children that watch WWE actually knew who David Otunga was.

Huh? Amirite? Your offspring are dumb and you should be ashamed.

♫ Also the G.O.A.T. Goat, Daniel Bryan will be in action. Twenty years from now he will be remembered as the best in-ring performer of this generation, but of course in the future wrestlers wear jetpacks at all times so this old school stuff seems kind of boring. My point is of course, watch The Dazzler at work; he will surely impress as he and Kane lose the tag titles.

♫ The World Heavyweight Title nobody really cares about, except for racists and mexicans. The ball is in your court.

♫ Dolph Ziggler looks to be en route to cash unsuccessfully at Wrestlemania... it's like they have no time to build some good stories for this guy in between all of that Cena vs Rock recaps they have to air. Tough luck Dolphin.

I think he might be winning the tag titles from DBry and Kane? I'm sure everyone including Vince forgot if that match is booked or not.

♫FANDANGO is gonna win but I don't care cause he doesn't actually know how to dance. THIS IS ALL FAKE! WTF!

♫RYBACK is gonna try to lift Mark Henry but his entire torso is gonna cave in.

♫ NO MATCHES FOR THE MIDCARD BELTS AT WRESTLEMANIA

That's all for now.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE AFTER WRESTLEMANIA YA'LL

Love,
Chaplow

---

Danny Chaplow is an author and internet analyst living in the Kansas Bay area. He is best known for his auto-biography SEX A PEEL, where he chronicles his life as a orphaned child that was born with bananas for hands. He likes to spend time with his dog, Tracy and his wife, Rufo. He is also legitimately a sometimes-writer and independent video game developer working for Lonely Missile. Follow them on facebook , twitter and even instagram. Keep an eye out for 'Flappin Nutz' coming soon to XBLA and others!

Secretly Heel : Revengeance

Ding Ding Ding!

This! Is the Main Event! The all new SECRETLY HEEL!

My name is D.Chaplow aka El Cocodrilo from lonelymissile 

(Follow us! facebook.com/lonelymissile , twitter.com/lonelymissile).

I had stopped writing this blog for the very sexy reasons stated below, but I'm back with a lil something I like to call

{PATENT PENDING}

I've loved pro wrestling since I first made my entrance into this world (I had no pyro but my entrance music was a cover of 'Careless Whisper' by a New Edition cover band called Shameless Whimper). This blog was to be an extension of that love, but after Vince said FUCK ME WE'RE GONNA MAKE RAW THREE HOURS LONG, OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU'RE ALL FIRED YOU SONOFABITCH I kinda lost my interest. I did not want to cover RAW after it got extended to three hours, and in the seas of the internet many weary sailors were in the same boat.

Turns out years ago when Lord Vince cut that promo saying he was gonna kill the WWE (Witness it here) he meant he was gradually gonna make it more boring to watch until it died like a beached whale wearing spandex. It was a shoot, brother. 

I still wanted to write about Wrestling, but I didn't feel like the results were worth the squeeze. Know what I mean, ladies?

BOOTY JUICE.

However, I am still a huge Wrestling fan and I have returned with a REVENGEANCE. Which is a word Hideo Kojima invented because he is a genius but hey maybe -just maybe- he is also an asshole.

Instead of trying hopelessly to recap RAW, (which no one can do since nobody watches all three hours) I am just going to do the weekly highlights. I will write about what was great in wrassling that week as well as what was stupid. 

Yay! MOST OF IT IS STUPID.

I have not had the time in recent years to follow much of anything but WWE programming, but fear not IWC... I will be watching puro, lucha and even that depressing crap they air over at TNA for the benefit of the world. Last time I checked they were running a program where Sting was one of those loveable youtube Heath Ledger Joker impressionists and Hulk Hogan slowly fell apart like the robots from Casshern: Sins but STILL.

In the upcoming posts I will write about the stage in WWE leading up to Wrestlemania XXIX and then a recap of Wrestlemania XXIX so

Ding Ding!
That's all for the moment.

Love,
Chaplow

---

Danny 'chaPLOW!' is a young, bald -yet handsome- writer from Miami, Florida. He lives on an indian reservation that was attacked and successfully taken over by a race of toads. They normally live in the center of the earth but because of Climate Change they were drawn to the surface where their brutish ways have cost them the love and respect of the national media and the world. Though they still have a cult following in those who would consider themselves anti-establishment. He is also legitimately an animator, writer and game developer that is not bald nor Native American... please follow his indie game studio.

Monday Night RAW 10/08/2012

Thank you for reading Secretly Heel!

The best IWC blog in the IWC worldddd!

LOOK IN MY EYES WHAT DO YOU SEE?

WWE BUMP

COLD OPEN on the ring

Hit CENA Music. Prrrrrrr! Apple Lube!
Huge pop. Sacramento, California is happy to see John Cena.
Like way happier than I am!

He goes over all the stuff he's seen on WWE TV sitting on his couch.
Makes a lame joke about goats. Ok ok let me put my bias aside.
It's not that the joke was lame, it's that if you actually liked it nobody will ever love you.

He also asks AJ out on a date to In n Out for their delicious burgers.
I wouldn't go out with John Cena. Not even for those delicious cheeseburgers.
INTERNET EXCLUSIVE: I'll admit I am considering it.

Nice try AJ, but I won't let you come between me and John Cena.

He mentions his injured arm as he waves that arm all over the place while talking.

He calls out CM Punk and says it doesn't matter if he's champion for 1000 days or
he's the best in the world if no one wants to see it. I threw up violently at the TV screen.
Then he yelled at Punk to CEMENT HIS LEGACY BY BEATING JOHN CENA (again)!!!!

No takey backsies this time though John!

As Cena walked away, Ryback made his entrance and walked past Cena HUNGRILY.
They showed footage from last week and Cole made sure to point out that Punk tried to
intimidate J.R. but Ryback intimidated Punk instead. Oh ho ho! Oh yeah!
Cause CM Punk is a coward and he's lame and he's mean to Bret Hart in Canada and he shits on Macho Man! Will you PLEASE all like Cena more than him? Please! Are you FOR or AGAINST breast cancer?

//RYBACK vs PRIMO/EPICO

Ryback used his incredible moveset which only includes finishers (Fun Fact: In WWE 13', if you taunt once as Ryback, his special meter stays full unless you buy a new PS3).

//WINNER: RYBACK

BRODUS makes his entrance and he's confronted by TRUTH and LIL JIMMIE. All they wanna do is dance together, though. They do dance but VINCE MACMAHON appears on the screen and tells "the gang" to be good rodeo clowns and dance on up the ramp cause he's about to make his

"STATE OF THE DUB E. ADDRESS?"

Vince Mac makes his entrance and begins talking about how great WWE is.
Then CM Punk makes his entrance with Paul Heyman. I don't capitalize their names cause I don't respect them!

Punk is so great on the mic that I'd buy his purposefully annoying new t-shirt.
Countdown til Cole or Cena mention that Punk's shirt is 'ironically' yellow considering that he's a coward.
Hurr hurr hurr!

Punk slaps Vince off of his feet. I believe it cause Vince is top heavy.
Vince gets mad and sets a match between the two of them for TONIGHT.
Paul is worried but Punk is actually happy about this! Grrr! That guy and his... so ffff! Hate you super hard Punk! What a heel that guy is.

//PRIMETIME PLAYERS vs REY MYSTERIO and SIN CARA

Cole lets us know that whoever wins goes against the winner of RYDER/SANTINO vs RHODES SCHOLARS. I see that expression on your face through my blog, and you don't believe for a second that the WWE writers had any foresight going into this tournament.

BULLSHIT!

A pretty short match but the crowd was into it. 619 for the win.

//WINNERS: SIN MYSTERIO

BACKSTAGE SEGMENT!

Paul tells Punk he's in a must-lose situation.
Punk tells him that he has nothing to worry about cause he always finds a way to win.
Ok bro but that's like the opposite?

Up next is SHEAMUS vs WADE BARRiT BAWRAWwwJ

//SHEAMUS vs WADE BARRETT

Too many limes! Oh man Sheamus is a p. cool guy but it totally just hit me right now that the World Title means absolutely nothing. LOL right?

Right at the top of the match Wellllll it's the BIG SHOW's music.

He sits at ringside to watch the match which turns out to be pretty good with some dumb announcing and moves sprinkled in. After a bagawd smashmouth brawl, TENSAI runs in for the DQ.

//WINNER: Sheamus by DQ

Sheamus actually saves himself from the assault with a brogue kick to A-TRAIN but then Big Show runs in and throws him out of the ring! Show walks away as Sheamus wobbles precariously.

SEGMENT about John Cena going on daytime TV to promote Susan G. Komen.

//TYSON KIDD vs ANTONIO EUROPEAN UNITED STATES CHAMPIONINO

Tyson Kidd got no entrance but he is wearing 4 pink wristbands, so it balances out.

Antonio gets a promo time to talk about how Americans are fat.

Tyson Kidd. Yo. He's the bees knees, trust me.
He puts up some amazingly entertaining offense and the crowd is all about that
but Antonio hits him with a shoryuken and his finisher; the European Neutralizer!

//WINNER: Antonio Cesaro

//ZIGGLER/DEL RIO vs TEAM HELL NO

This match was one of my top five, dawg.

//WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO

BACKSTAGE SEGMENT!

Evil Twin Goatee J.R. trying to talk Vinnie Mac out of his match cause he might get a heart attack like Lawler. Vince asks him to do him the honor of calling his match like he used to call Austin's matches and he makes J.R. mark out for him right then and there. Bro. J.R. Remember when Vince made your life miserable for no reason?

BACK TO THE STAGE

THE LARRY KING is there with his wife who is at least 90 years younger than him.

His guest is former WWE Superstar and current Intercontinantal Champion THE MIZ who demands that we sing happy birthday to him and feed him cakes probably but Larry King says that Miz is a boring guest and his new guest is Kofi.

Miz gets pissed at Kofi's cheap city pop and Larry King's wife throws water in Miz' face.
Kofi attacks Miz and ejects him from the stage. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Kofi just did this so Larry wouldn't ask him what happened to his Jamaican accent.

//TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS vs SANTINO/RYDER
TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT MATCH

//WINNERS: RHODES SCHOLARS who gave a promo beforehand about their IQ being infinity.
No, they really said that. Aren't they like... smart?

As soon as the scholars leave the ring, the HEATH WORLD ORDER run into the ring and start beating on Santino for reasons unbeknown'd to anyone. These guys don't even have a uniform = I can take them.

BACKSTAGE SEGMENT!

Vince is in good shape for an old guy!
Heyman Pauls his way in and asks old Vince to reconsider the match or Punk will do to him what Lesnar did to his son in law Triple H. Yeah Vince, you'll have to retire from wrestling and become strictly an authority figure.

ALSO! Eve is walking backstage. She's the champion apparently!

After commercials, Eve makes her entrance. I skip the match.

// WOMEN'S MATCH BUT EVE IS STILL CHAMPION SO DON'T WORRY GUYS.

GAYYYYY. Bring the sweaty men back out here.

BACKSTAGE!

Josh Matthews approaches to warn Del Rio about Randy Orton comin for him but Del Rio doesn't care!

COMMERCIALS!

Daniel Bryan asks Larry King how he deals with people calling him an owl, cause people call him a goat.

Kane comes out to inform DBry that he's been carrying his goat face.
DBry echoes my sentiments by telling Kane that his face looks like someone slapped him with a fruit rollup.

Kane says he didn't know that was Larry King, he thought it was skeletor.

MORE BACKSTAGE!

Heyman tells Punk to beat Vince so bad he can never make a decision again.
Damn.
CM Punk is like yehyuh Im about to go up in that ass.
Sort of what he said.

//VINCE MACMAHON vs CM PUNK

During Vince's entrance, Punk runs in and starts his assault on old Vince.

Punk treating it like he's gonna slap Vince around like a referee but he forgets Vince ingests Ruthless Agression intravenously every morning. He turns it around by skidding Punk over the announce table like an air hockey puck.

The whole thing culminates in a mutual kendo stick beating that Punk loses, but he pulls the old beg for mercy then low blow! Woooo!

As he sets Vince up for the GTS, FEED ME MORE! The Ryback is here!

Punk tries to run for it but Cena teleports in behind him to throw him back in the ring and Ryback takes his head off! Punk escapes from The Ryback Breaker! I forget the name of the finisher right now.

Vince tells Punk he can either face Ryback or Cena at Hell in the Cell!

Punk looks worried as the show comes

TO A CLOSE.

There was also apparently an incident this week where CM Punk, while in the audience due to this segment struck a fan twice.
The IWC is debating whether this was a shoot, a work, a worked shoot, a shot work, a tricksily trick or a shot straight drop.

Reports are coming in that it was caused by the fan whispering "I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you" in Punk's ear. I did not check my sources.

My name is Danny Chaplow! Follow me on twitter.

Goodnight kids!

'WWE Main Event' 10/3/2012

ARE YOU READY FOR WWE MAIN EVENT?

On the ION Network starring John Cena! He's 'Positively Entertaining'... you know
like a positively charged molecular ion. DAT CHEMISTRY.

Prior to this they were playin ROCKY IV!
My children will all know that Rocky singlehandedly ended the Cold War.

WWE Intro

I don't know what the theme song for Main Event is saying! TOOLAY TOOLAY? Idk!

Tulsa, Oklahoma hosts today's WWE MAIN EVENT.
Wait! Does this mean this show is just filmed before or after Monday Night RAW?
Pretty sneaky, sis.

Nobody's favorites The Miz and The Michael Cole are in the center ring and they announce tonight's
Champion v. Champion match. It's like a double down from KFC.

A segment highlighting CM Punk's rise to be an asshole that demands respect!
When WWE hired him they had no idea he would turn out to be such an asshole!

Then Matt Stryker is in Punk's lockeroom and Punk tells us once again that he deserves respect.
This guy.
And why does he deserve it? Tell em' Heyman.
Heyman says "Cause he's the best!"
Then Heyman softly whispers "In the world."

:(

Next we have a few words with Sheamus he also is sporting friendly mutton
chops but he uses them for the side of good.

Then Sheamus makes his entrance for the match?! It's only 8:10 PM standard Eastern time!
What madness is this?!

Screeeech COMMERCIAL BRAKE!

Followed by CM Punk's entrance.

CHAMPION vs CHAMPION match!
Miz and Cole are not being annoying but I still hate them!

// CM PUNK vs SHEAMUS

Cole: "We still don't know the relation between CM Punk and Paul Heyman."
How delightfully saucy.

Highlights of the match include Sheamus IRISH BEATING (or w.e it's called on the ropes)
narrowly dodged plus a kick to the head for a count of 2.

Also Sheamus' reversal of Punk's corner kick into THE IRISH TEXAS CLOVERLEAF.

At some point when Punk is frantically trying to escape the IRISH BROGUE KICK he is dragged
into the ring and rips off the second turnbuckle cover from that corner.

Leading to Punk using a drop toehold on Sheamus to make him eat steal,
this together with pulling the tights results in Punk winning.

WINNER: CM PUNK

Sheamus says he has no excuses unlike Punk who'll eat a Brogue Kick next time.
I dunno bro, he's p. slippery.

Miz playing the heel announcer and defending Punk.

COMMERCIAL BRAKE

Josh Matthews is in Punk's lockeroom and Paul Heyman's lets him know that he's an idiot
and that Punk is a future hall of famer. END OF STORY.

Next week's main event is

BIG SHOW vs RANDY ORTON

Matt Stryker talks to SHOW, who puts his fist in our face and kindly lets us know that it
will be the last thing Orton sees. Thank you Big Show.

Next! The Tag Team tournament continues on this program?

This show is called Main Event because they show the Main Even first?

Or is Santino/Ryder vs Kidd/Gabriel the TRUE WWE MAIN EVENT?

Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel show some really impressive tandem moves but
they are no match for the silliest movesets in the WWE.

Now I'm going to turn off this wrestling and watch the real fictionally competitive
spectacle: The first 2012 Presidential Debate.

I'm Danny Chaplow, follow me on twitter.

Goooooodnight kids.